The wanderer
by onyx sable
Summary: Naruto's trust had been betrayed for the last time. Leaving Konoha, he becomes a missing nin, but what happens when he runs into two akatsuki members out for the hunt? warning, now a crack fic!
1. Chapter 1

AN, hey, uhm to whoever reads this, I hope you like it, please go easy on me though, I know the characters are a bit ooc. But this is m my first naruto fanfic.

Disclaimer, I do not own this.

The wanderer

Chapter 1, breakaway

The trees rustled as a howling breeze blew through, causing a boy, lost in the darkness, to shiver, both from fear and cold as his surroundings played on his fears, calling out for him, and then rejecting him, playing with his mind, cutting at his heart.

Though the canopy of the trees was so large that it blocked what little light there was from the bloated moon, the boy still managed to walk a bit further, clutching a Konohagakure headband in his clenched fist.

The boy, Naruto Uzumaki, held back the tears welling in his eyes, he had no one, no parents, no friends, nothing.

His home had been destroyed by the villagers who scorned him and his teammates had turned their backs. Everyone told him to stop bieng an idiot, but what did they know? They had families, they had friends, they had everything he had lost!

Driven to run by the people who he had claimed to love and protect his so-called precious people.

'I'm sorry Sakura-chan, I'm sorry Sasuke, I'm sorry Kakashi-sensei, and most of all, I'm sorry Iruka-sensei. So sorry.'

And with that last fleeting mental cry he began to run, to where he didn't know, somewhere, anywhere, anywhere but here.

His life would start again, no longer would people scorn him, reject him, hate him!

His feet were crunching through the undergrowth of the forest surrounding Konoha, the place he once called home, but that moment passed just as the rest, no longer was Konoha his home, just as the villagers were no longer his people and just as his dream to be Hokage died.

It had now been hours, or so it felt, there was no concept of time out in this jungle. However, the sky was lightening and the stars no longer winked down happily at the blonde jinchuriki.

A growling sound echoed through the clearing in which he stood, freezing him in place, it came again and Naruto listened intently, until, "Grrrrrowl" He relaxed laughing at himself, he was hungry, and that is what had made the noise, his stomach!

Cursing himself for not packing any ration bars, Naruto grinned sheepishly and rubbed the back of his head, it felt almost as if he were back with his team, going on a mission together, camping in the forest and running through the trees.

If someone where to see the once future Hokage now they would not believe him the same boy, for his smile was sad, a smile of remembrance, and people that had once known Naruto would have said, without a trace of doubt, that Naruto was the happiest person in the world, apart from someone who had won the lottery.

'**So gaki, have you decided to give up? Ha finaly I must say you used to irretate the shit out of me with all that smiling, '**_**Ooh look at me, I'm Naruto and I'm going to Hokage!' **_**Ha pathetic, you humans are so pathetically amusing sometimes it makes me want to kill you quickly out of kindness'**

"Shut up." Kyuubi's chuckles died down quickly, replaced by an eerie silence, **'What did you say?' **The voice of nine-tailed biju (sp) was a deadly cold whisper. Suddenly Naruto's temper flared, unfortunatly so did his chakra, but that went unnoticed by both him and Kyuubi, "I said shut the fuck up you stupid fox! This," Naruto gestured wildly "is all your fault, everything is your fault!"

Now it was Kyuubis turn to get mad, **'If not for me you would be dead! Don't you dare blame me you piece of human filth, do you think I want to be stuck in this sewer you call a mind?! NO! If it were up to me you and your kind would be nothing but a scorch mark upon the face of this FUCKING PLANET! **The last few words were screamed with such force that the ground of the forest trembled and small fires erupted wherever the Kyuubi's chakra touched the earth.

Back at Konoha, a unique retrieval squad was bieng assembled after Naruto's chakra spike had revealed his itentions of leaving and his current point of location. 'Chakra can be such a usefull thing sometimes', thought Tsunade, as she stood facing the direction Naruto's chakra had eminated from.

A small cough, reminded her of her visitors, turning quickly, Konoha's current Hokage looked upon the faces of the three people standing before her, "Your current mission is retrieval; retrieve this person before they cross Konoha's borders! Now go, time is of the essence." While Tsunade had been speaking she had pushed an envelope across the table, but before anyone moved, Sakura spoke up, asking the quetstion that had been on the minds of everyone but Kakashi, who had his face buried in that damn porn book of his.

"But sensei, where is Naruto? Surely we need the whole team for this job and Naruto-" Tsunade didn't turn around, "Just take the bloody envelope and leave!"

Sakura snatched the envelope off the desk and ran towards the door, where Sasuke and Kakashi waited.

Once the door was closed the team made their way hastily towards the gates, ignoring passing civilians and shinobi alike, while sakura opened the envelope. "I bet you Naruto was just too lazy to get up or something, ne Sasuke-kun. He always acts so…" Sasuke turned when Sakura stopped speaking, usually you couldn't get her to shut up but now that she had he wished she would continue for without their blonde teammate the silence was tense and uncomfortable.

Sakura stood rooted to the spot, her trembling hands clutching something from the envelope whatever it was it had shocked her.

A breeze blew past and the photo of an energetic boy with spikey bonde hair and a fox like grin fluttered to the ground, as well a a second piece of paper stating that Uzumaki Naruto was now an S-ranked missing nin of Konoha and a large reward would be offered for his head. Though the form was only signed by half the council, and missing the seal of the Hokage.

Sasuke bent to retrieve the document, and as his eyes scanned the document, his demeanor grew colder and colde until he was shaking in rage, he thrust the document into Kakashi's face, "What is the meaning of this?! Naruto would never do anything that would warrant this sort of action, he may be an annoying idiot at times but he loves Konoha!"

Kakashi gently took the document from Sasuke and read through it quickly, his expression still nuetral as he handed it back.

"Orders are orders." He said with a shrug and with that, they set off towards the gates at a run, hoping to catch their teammate before he left for good.


	2. Chapter 2

Wow thanks people, I mean I just puplished this and I got like 30 story alerts and favourite story emails, and thank you to my one reviewer, ya know who you are, you get… Invisible Akatsuki pushies! Yeah! To everyone who sent in alerts, etc thank you. Please review, tell me what you think, also if anyone has ideas about the story send em in and I might just plak em in. Anyway R&R and ENJOY!! :D

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Chapter 2, Leave me be

Further off in the forest a second fight was taking place, this one between two men who stood over the body of a dead man.

The shorter of the two, by only a few centimetres mind you, was cursing like a sailor, his hands gesturing wildly as he tried to get his point across to the man standing in front of him.

"All I'm saying, Kakuzu, is that we could finish all this fucked up shit quicker if we didn't have to lug that fat assholes corpse around where ever we went!"

The man, Kakuzu, shook his head, "No." he said nothing else as his partner went into another angry tirade about using dead bodies for money, especially when they started to stink.

"Shut up Hidan!" Hidan stared at Kakuzu, before his next outburst, "What the fuck did you say! Why the hell should I listen to you! I sh-" Before Hidan could say another word Kakuzu's threads had come to life, one of them pierced Hidans lip and began to stitch, a few minutes later the thread snapped and left Hidan mumbling through the stitches binding his lips together.

Kakuzu still hadnt moved, his body was as still as stone, you could practically see his muscles bunching in anticipation.

"Someone's coming." This at least got Hidan's attention, "mmmm mm mmm?" This translated as; 'Someone's coming?' Just a few seconds later and the two missing nin were rewarded with the rustling of the bushes closest to them, and out stepped a boy, who had a terrible taste in clothing.

If Hidans mouth had not been stitched closed, his jaw would have been resting on the floor right now, due to the boy's lack of commen sense and style.

Kakuzu did nothing, prefering for the enemy to make the first move, for if you were a missing nin even a child is an enemy.

Naruto couldn't remember what had happened, all he remembered was fighting with Kyuubi, and suddenly his memory was blank like someone had taken his brain and dunked it in a vat of bleach.

All he knew for sure is that he was a lot further from the village than he had been before, and like it or not, that was a bit of a blessing.

And he carried on thinking this until he realised he was not alone in the clearing, for not two metres in front of him were two men and one dead body, that stank.

Naruto almost screamed in fright, I mean you would too if you saw two men who looked to be straight out of a horror movie standing over an overripe corpse, looking at you as if you were their next victim.

One of the men, with white hair and red eyes, kind of reminded him of the time he had seen an albino ferret, if not for the fur and the ferret part they could have been brothers!

All of these things were flashing through Naruto's head at the speed of light, well that is they were until they were pulled over for speeding, driving under the influence and reckless driving and given a rather heavy fine. Thus all Naruto's thoughts ground to a halt, and all he could say was, "Hi im Naruto and im going to be Hokage!" It was a reflex action, if there is nothing to say you say that, problem solved.

The second man, the one with eyes as green as money, well paper money, the stuff you see on cartoons and wavy stitches that flew around looking intimidating, shrugged. "Good for you."

And with that said he picked up the smelly dead guy and walked off, a tentacle stitchy thing reaching back and warpping around ferret mans neck, pulling him along like a dog on a leash.

Ferret man looked angry, but when he tried to send a scathing retort back at his friend he remembered the stitches through his lip.

Sparing no thought for the pain he reached up a hand and ripped the thread right through the skin of his lip, and said in a loud angry voice, "Who the fuck do you think you are Kakuzu! The fucking Kage or something! Let me go before I send your soul to Jashin-sama begging for mercy!"

Money man, now named Kakuzu, unwound the tentacle from ferret mans neck and dropped him face first in a puddle of foul smelling mud.

Naruto was still rooted to the spot by the time they had dissapeared into the forest, when his brain finally rebooted it came to a conclusion, those men were ninja, awesome, cool, butt kicking ninja! They would teach him cool jutsus and everything!

And with that Naruto followed them into the forest, heedless of his teammates calling out his name about 20 metres behind.

"Kakuzu. Hey Kakuzu! KAKUZU!!" The money loving man turned on his partner with a snarl, "What, Hidan?"

The white haired Jashinist frowened in thought, "That kid looked familier, you sure we havent seen that brat round here before?"

Kakuzu almost stabbed a kunei through all five hearts in exasperation, "Hidan we havent even been here before!"

Then something hit him, no really something had hit him, looking around he saw Hidans hand in front of his face. "Earth to Kakuzu." Scowling in annoyance at his partner he brushed the hand away quickly and began to rummage through his pockets.

"Where the hell is that bloody photo!?" Suddenly a small photo is shoved under Kakuzus nose, inside the picture was a blonde boy with a foxy smile, and three whisker marks on each cheek, above that, scrawled in Hidans messy handwriting was; Uzumaki Naruto, Kyuubi jinchuuriki.

Kakuzu turned around in panic, and ran back to the clearing they had just vacated, searching for the boy who was the Kyuubi container. "Hey Kakuzu, what the fuck you doin, come on we gotta go"

Kakuzu never looked at his partner but continued to search desperately for his next meal ticket\source of income. "Don't be an idiot Hidan, that boy in the picture is the Kyuubi jinchuuriki!" The smelly body of some ninja was lying forgotten, and decomposing, on the floor as both missing nin searched the clearing like men possesed.

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AN, Sorry for leaving it like this, but I just started grade 11 I barely have any time, hopefully I can update soon, also sorry if you are displeased with my two Akatsuki choices, but Hidan and Kakuzu are my favourites next to Deidara and Akasuna no Sasori. Im an Akatsuki nut. Yeah!


	3. Chapter 3

Thank you so much to my second and third reviewers and to everyone who added my story to fav\alert list, it makes me feel so warm and fuzzy. Anywhoo on wit da story!!!!

I don't own Naruto T^T

Chapter 3, Crouching Kakuzu Hidden Hidan

"Damn that brats fast, where the hell could he have gone so quickly?!" Hidan ignored his partner and continued to sleep in a spot of sun that dappled the ground, well he would have if his partner hadnt thrown a kunai, (sp) which hit him squarely in the chest.

"Fuck 'Kuzu, What was that for!?" Hidan spluttered in outrage, pulling the offending sharp object from his vital organs, "You just ruined my lucky robe, you fucken asshole!"

Kakuzu grunted in annoyance and carried on searching for the boy, 'How does someone so brightly dressed hide from a ninja, he should stick out like a sore thumb.' This thought elicited a groan from the banker.

Hidan stared at his partner in confusion and then dawning comprehension, "Kakuzu? Have you tried searching for the boy's chakra? He looks as though he has had no training in hiding his presence from other shinobi."

This almost made Kakuzu scream, how the idiot hidan could think up something that he, a genius, had yet to even imagine, was maddening.

"No Hidan, I have not, now shut up." Kakuzu ground out between clenched teeth, trying to suppress the urge to try and kill the young Jashinist.

Kakuzu sat down on a rock and began to concentrate, searching for an abnormally large source of chakra, normally acredited to jinchuuriki.

At first he thought he had to have made a mistake, and this thought kept parading around his mind until an orange blur attacked from the bushes.

The scream of said orange blur went along the lines of: "TRAINMETRAINMETRAINMETRAINME!!!!!!!"

Hidan jumped to his feet cursing colourfully at this surprise 'attack'.

"What the fuck-" yet before he could finish his swearword-ridden sentence the orange monstrosity set its sites on him and, for lack of better word, glomped him.

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They were about two hours away from the gates of Konoha, when Kakashi gestured for the team to stop, he could sense Naruto's chakra, yet there were two other presences with him, and a ninja, excluding naruto, never jumps into a situation unprepared.

Froming the handseal, Kakashi bit his finger and slammed his hand onto the ground, where a small dog appeared in a puff of smoke. "Yo, Kakashi" Kakashi staighetened and turned to address the dog, "Pakkun, I need you to scout the clearing up ahead, check for traps and hidden shinobi." The dog turned and darted into the undergrowth.

Next Kakashi turned to his students, his ussually happy demeanor turned cold, "Now who wants to explain what happened with Naruto." No one answered, though Sakura looked down at her feet guiltily, yet before she could reply there came a scream from the clearing, one thought flashed through the team's minds, Naruto!

And, ignoring Kakashi, the two dashed into the clearing.

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Yeah I know its short, sorry. My mother has confiscated the internet, so I have limited usage. Hopefully I will be able to update sooner next time. Also sorry for the cliffie :D I didn't feel like starting the whole new thing in the same chappie. Thanks for the story favs and alerts it means so much! Please please review, you don't even have to say anything, you could just send a blank message or something, even anonymous messages are fine.


	4. Chapter 4

Yeah Im back! (Looks around in confusion) Hey where did everyone go! Fine! On with the story.

I still don't own Naruto.

Chapter 4, HEATHENS!!!

Hidan snarled in annoyance, this kid was so stupid! Seriously, it's as if he did the opposite of what you told him to do! The kid hadnt listened when he had told him how to draw the diagram, and this is was the result of his inattention.

Fine! Let him suffer, it's not as if he cared about the boy or anything.

The white haired Jashinist turned and faced his partner who had apparently gone to speak to Leader-sama, and ask whether the ritual was ready for another Biju.

Hidan turned back to face the kid, who had stabbed himself in the chest with Hidans ritual pike, in a cheap imitation of a Jashinists prayer. "Stupid bastard, why the fuck should I have to look after your shit!"

Unbeknownst to Hidan, Kakuzu's eyes had opened, and there was a deep fiery rage now burning there.

"Shut up Hidan, Im not in the mood for your shit today." Hidan spun around, a retort on his lips, but was instantly cowed when he saw the depths of his partner's rage, "Pein says we are to capture the Jinchuuriki and contain it for the next four months until the ritual is ready again." At this it was Hidans turn to swear, "Fuckin hell, how the fuck are we going to keep this thing alive for 4 months?!"

Though Kakuzu was no longer listening, he was standing over the Jinchuuriki boys lifeless body, lying withing one of Hidans circles.

"Hidan?" Hidans tirade came to an abrupt halt, "What?!" Kakuzu ignored the rude retort and continued, "You do know that this boy is not immortal, right?" Hidan shrugged, "Yeah of course I-" Kakuzu spun around angrily, his fist hitting Hidan square in the face, "Then why is he dead!"

Hidan did nothing for a moment, then gathering his courage, he stepped closer to his angry partner and peered around him, to look at the blond boy lying within the circle, his own blood pooling beneath him to join that of the circle.

Hidan grimaced, "Oops, my bad, thought he was tougher, at least we can leave this Jashin-foresaken forest now."

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Sasuke, closely followed by Sakura burst into the clearing, which was currently occupied by missing nins, all of which turned and stared at the two intruders.

Sakura was almost shaking in fear, while Sasuke had a glare on his face, neither had yet to notice the body of their comrade lying behind the two figures.

Sasuke smirked and activated his sharingan, "Where is Naruto?!" He punctuated each word with another step forward.

The shorter man, the one with white hair, looked shocked and then slightly disturbed, "What the fuck, this shit is seriously fucked up! That guy looks exactly like the fucken Uchiha!"

At the mention of his elder brother, Sasuke tensed, but before he could attack the albino man Kakashi appeared in front of him, succesfully stopping him.

The other man, who had yet to say a word, looked at Kakashi and then pulled a bingo book from his pocket, and flipped through it until he found the page he was looking for, and began to read, "Hatake Kakashi, The copy ninja of Konoha, bounty: 56 000 000 ryou. Hmm, Hidan you can have them all as long as the bodies are recognizable when you are done."

Sasuke and Sakura both stared at the masked man in shock. The white haired man laughed and stepped forward, revealing Naruto's body lying behind him, this action caused various reactions among the three Konoha shinobi, Sakura let out a strangled gasp\sob and fell to her knees in shock, while Sasuke just stood there, unable to comprehend that the cheerfull blond he had known most of his life was dead.

Kakashi stared at the body of his student, his sensei's son, the happy blonde, the one who always caused trouble, the number one ninja at surprising people, Uzumaki Naruto. He didn't have time to grieve; he couldn't if he wanted to avenge his student.

Hidan was puzzeled by the looks on his opponents faces, until he looked behind himself, 'They must have known him, oh well who gives a flying shit!' and with that thought he ran forward, giant three bladed scythe in hand.

"Ha fuckers, you will soon meet the fate of your little fuck buddy over there!"

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Yeah I know its also very short hopefully it will be a lot longer next time, but at least im giving you two short chapters instead of one. Please review!


	5. Chapter 5

Hey it's me, again… Hopefully I'll write more this time. Oh ja just so you know the time for this is sort of after the exams, so Naruto doesn't know much yet. Somethings may be changed a bit, for example times, events, but so what, this is focusing on Naruto. Warning mentions of brotherly, protective Hidan and Jashinist Naruto.

I don't own Naruto, if I did all the Akatsuki members would still be alive T^T

Chapter 5, Why wont you fucken die!

Naruto woke to something completely unexpected, a battlefield, well technically it looked more like someone had taken red paint and poured it over the field and had then randomly thrown severed limbs and torsos around.

In actual fact Naruto had rather expected to wake up in the sewers of his mind, with Kyuubi laughing at his stupidity, so naturally he had no idea where he was.

The blonde haired boy glanced around nervously, expecting an attack.

Kyuubi stirred within him, "**Hey brat, theres someone over there, to your left.**" Upon hearing that, Naruto spun around quickly to face the possible threat.

And there, sitting on a throne of bodies, was a tall pale man, with white hair, and blood spattered clothes.

Naruto felt Kyuubi stir again, "**Don't get too close, that guys trouble.**"

The jinchuuriki snorted, "Come on Kyuubi, that guy looks like he's about to keel over any second!" Naruto looked back to where the man had been sitting and realised that he was no longer there.

"Interesting, it has been along time since anyone has been here, and the first one to get here, insults me, I find that rather ironic" Naruto jumped, he had'nt even sensed the man, and judging by kyuubi's anger neither had he.

Gathering some courage from his large reserves, Naruto addressed the man, "Who the hell are you!" Deep in the blonde's mind Kyuubi congratulated him on his tactfullness (whatever that was) but he sounded sarcastic so it wasn't good, whatever it was.

The man chuckled, "ah your honesty is refreshing, I think I might actually regret killing you." Though the mans words fell on deaf ears, for Naruto was still busy trying to figure out how he had gotten here, where ever here was. 'okay, step 1, I was in the clearing with two _awesome_ ninja, step 2, White haired man said I would become infinately powerfull if I did a ritual, step 3, did ritual. Hmm, nope, I still don't get it.'

The man was as unaccustomed to be bieng ignored as he was to visitors, which is to say he wasn't accustomed at all.

Huffing in annoyance the man dissapeared, only to reappear in the blonde boys mind, and he was completely unprepared for what he saw there, I mean seriously, who has a sewer in their mind! And one with a monster fox in it too.

The fox looked up at him, and gave the illusion of a shrug, since you could not see its shoulders. "Hey Kyuubi! Long time no see. What you been doing these past thousand years or so? I havent seen you in so long, why didn't you ever visit?"

Kyuubi snorted, "**No offence Jashin, but who in their right mind ever visits you.**" Jashin looked at Naruto who was mumbling in a semi-dry corner, "**I said no one in their **_**right mind**_, **the boy doesn't count, he's an idiot" **Jashin sighed, "That is true my friend, so very true. The only visitor I get is my beloved Hidan" Kyuubi snorted again, "**Him? Seriously, that guy is a few noodles short, of a bowl of ramen!**"

Jashin raised an eyebrow, "Firstly, noodles? Ramen? You spend too much time around that brat! Secondly, You met Hidan?" Kyuubi glared, "**That man is a bad influence**" as he said it, Kyuubi raised a paw and pointed at Naruto who still sat in the corner.

Jashin smiled, "So Hidan finally got someone to convert, instead of killing them, I'm so proud!" From his robes, Jashin pulled a pendant, it was a circle with a triangle in it, a three bladed scythe (Don't ask me how he managed to fit that in there) and a black ritual pike and walked over to the boy.

"Hey kid, I hear you wanne be a Jashinist!" The boy turned around, "Whats a Jashinist?" Jashin shook his head, and thrust the three objects into the boy's hands and disappeared.

As soon as he left the world began to disintegrate and Naruto's mind went dark.

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The first thing Naruto felt was the pain, he now understood why Hidan cursed all the time. He opened his eyes and put the white haired Jashinists principles into practice, "Fuck."

He felt green eyes on him and looked to the side to see Kakuzu staring at him, "Whaaaat?" The money loving man said nothing, preffering to ignore what had just happened. "Hidan" The white haired Jashinist turned around a swearword ready, until he saw Naruto, trying to pull the pike from his chest, swearing all the while.

"Thank you Jashin-sama!" His shout was punctuated by four kunai sprouting from various parts of his body.

"Fuck" When Naruto heard this word he stood, "Exactly! Fuck, this hurts!"

Hidan looked Naruto up and down, and then smiled "Fuck yeah! I always wanted my own fucking little brother!" And with that the two embraced, the pike in Naruto's chest siding into Hidan's too, blood brothers.

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Im done finally another chapter up please review thanks to my newest reviewers!


	6. Chapter 6

Thank you so so so much to my latest reviewers you know who you are, your comments made me so warm and tingly, it makes me want to write as much as possible just for you!!!

Also should I stick Tobi in? I kinda want to but I've never done his character before, so it's up to you though. Also, yaoi? I personally love yaoi (I wanna do KakuHidan) but I don't want to drive off anyone who dislikes it, so whoever is in the majority wins.

Don't own Naruto

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Sasuke refused, absolutely refused to believe that Naruto was dead, any moment now he would get up and laugh at him for falling for one of his jokes. Yet still the blond lay there, not breathing, not smiling, and every second was torture for the Uchiha, his best friend lay dead and he had done nothing to save him.

Sakura was on her knees beside him sobbing, sobbing as if she had known the true Naruto, sobbing as if she had cared.

The second man called out to the first who turned in anger, yet he said nothing, until "Thank you Jashin-sama!" Obviously, this was the perfect time to throw a couple of kunai at the white haired man, all hitting his various vital organs, of course.

Yet all the man did was curse, but it was then that Sasuke noticed his blond teammate standing, and quite alive, behind the white haired man, they appeared to be having a passionate conversation with each other.

Well they were, until they hugged, but what really made all the people in the clearing stare was the fact that there was now a pike protruding from both the mens chests, yet both of them seemed fine, well unless you count the swearing, but that seemed to be 'the norm' in this group.

Looking back at his teacher Sasuke saw a puzzled frown upon the copy ninja's face, which he knew was probably mirrored on his own, supposedly, emotionless face.

Looking back, the two men were chatting animatedly over something which held a great amount of passion for both of them, the white haired man, Hidan, pulled a pendant from his neck and swung it in front of Naruto's face, obviously expecting Naruto to do the same.

His blond team mate frowned and began patting down his clothes, looking for something, after emptying all the contents on his person Naruto looked back up at the white haired man, who laughed and grabbed a second pendant from around Naruto's neck.

The two looked exactly like obsessed nerds (AN, guilty as charged XD I'm a Jashin lover!) Fawning over scythes etc.

It was rather sickening. His musings were interrupted, however, by a head of pink hair crashing into him and clutching at his chest, now Sasukes only thought was, 'How in the _hell_ did she get there!?' For now, Sakura was sobbing into his chest, obviously seeking 'comfort' over the 'death' of her blond team mate.

The youngest Uchiha cleared his throat, hoping she would get the hint, but she remained oblivious, and contined her mourning.

Finally having enough Sasuke peeled the useless kunoichi from his chest and shoved her at Kakashi, who caught her deftly and laid her down beside a nearby tree, where she continued, her sobbing unabated.

Turning back to face his idiotic teammate, Sasuke noticed all eyes were on him now.

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Naruto ignored everything around him, he knew Sasuke was there, he knew Kakashi was there, and he knew Sakura was there, yet all he felt was hurt, hurt and anger.

The smile was slowly fading, to a point that even Hidan noticed, taking his new weapon from the floor Naruto hefted it up so that it now rested upon his shoulder, the scythes blade gleaming in the light.

Stepping forward the jinchuuriki swung his weapon and burried it in a nearby tree, his grin was back, yet it looked to be one of madness more than anything else.

Looking each person straight in the eye, he asked, "Why are you here?" it seemed that his so-called friends hadn't expected the amount of venom in his voice to be directed at them, but Sasuke seemed to gather his courage to start the verbal attack "We're here to bring you back, dobe."

This made the blond angry, "What if I don't want to be brought back Sasuke-teme!" The Uchiha had no reply, he hadn't expected this, Naruto was supposed to be happy and cheerful, yet the person in front of him was anything but, the person in front of him was no longer Naruto, the boy he had known most of his life, the boy he had looked up to, Uzumaki Naruto, was dead.

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Hidan grinned and stepped back from his smaller blond counterpart, this was the ultimate test, if he killed these people he was a true Jashinist and a missing nin to boot!

Turning to his partner Hidan motioned for them to move back, and let the boy continue his fight alone.

The miser looked rather irritated at bieng ordered around, but complied with his partner's wishes anyway.

They had moved back only a few metres when a large cloud of dust erupted from the clearing, obscuring the ongoing fight.

Hidan spluttered angrily, complaining about, 'Fucking dust and its fucking dustiness!' making Kakuzu roll his eyes at his partners idiocy, before he settled onto a branch and pulled out a wad of money, Kakuzu now had the 'bother me and die' look on his face as well as a look of intense concentration, obviously he was counting the precious currency.

Neither of the two Akatsuki members knew what was happening, but only one didn't care, Hidan though was practically tearing out his hair in anticipation. "Ohh, Jashin-sama! Please let there be lots of blood, please! I promise, I'll do more rituals and I'll kill more people, please…"

It was at this moment that the smoke cleared, and both Hidan's and Kakuzu's mouths had dropped open in surprise and not a little bit of shock.

-------------------

Yeah I know, I'm mean, sorry. Its just I have a bit of writers block, and I'm scared that if I force myself to write, it wont be as good and you will all hate me. WAHHHHHHH, don't hate me, ahem, sorry.

Anyway please R&R Thank you!!!!

Ja ne.


	7. Chapter 7

Hey well I'm back, the reviews dragged my muse back by the hair! So hopefully now I can do some good story writing. Okay, I think I'm going to put some yaoi in, nothing huge just small amounts and maybe it will build up later on. If you don't like yaoi, I'm sorry, but so far I've gotten a review (thanks by the way) practically demanding yaoi, like threat of death demanding. Thank you so so so so much to all my wonderfull, supportive reviewers! Hmm this is a long authors note isnt it? Well I should probably get on with the story before you all kill me. Also beware of Sakura bashing, I rather intensely dislike her.

Disclaimer: The honour belongs to the great Kishimoto-sama.

* * *

Once the dust had settled, the two immortals of akatsuki stared down at the scene of carnage strewn out before them.

Technically it couldn't even be called carnage since all the guts, blood and gore came from one person, and Hidan was sure that if Deidara were there he would have called it art.

Kakuzu sighed, his mind quickly getting over the small shock to his system, he had left the bounty down there! Now it was probably gone, blown up like the rest of this part of the forest, stupid little brat, that man had been worth millions!

Hidan felt a little tiny insy bit of awe, though he would rather die than admit it, as well as jealousy. Some boy who had only just converted had managed to do something that had taken him, the most loyal of all Jashin followers, years to acomplish!

Looking back at the clearing both men could see pieces, lots and lots of pieces, but the strange thing was, that the people the young jashinist had been fighting looked fine, except for a few bruises and cuts.

Hidan let out a bark of laughter, it sounded alomost delirious, which wasn't uncommon coming from Hidan, but what he did next was down right unusual.

The religious man began to cry, whether from mirth or some other foreign emotion, Kakuzu didn't know.

Abruptly the tears and laughter stopped and Hidan looked up, a maniacal grin plastered on his pale face.

Something was going to happen, that was obvious to the missing falls nin, Hidan was acting stranger than usual, but whatever he had expected to happen, this wasn't it.

The immortal jumped down from his perch in the tree and headed back towards the fight, his cloak blowing out behind him.

"Hidan!" But the jashinist ignored his partner, it seemed to Kakuzu that the younger man wasn't in his right mind at the moment, hence the screaming\crying.

Hidan was pissed, stupid brat, just had to start the ritual without him! When Hidan reached the clearing he found the source of his anger, but what he hadnt expected the boy to be in pieces, well at least not so soon.

Naruto's head seemed to notice the albino immortal and began swearing, to which said immortal replied with his own stream of unique curses, until the anger and frustration was turned into a game, who can swear the loudest, though Hidan seemed to be winning due to his experience in dealing with Kakuzu.

The remainder of team 7 stared on in shock, Naruto had been talking, when he had suddenly pulled out a ball of explosive notes, which he attempted to throw, unfortunately though one of the strings attached to the ball had become attached to his wrist leaving the whole thing to blow up in the blondes face, literally.

Sasuke would have laughed if pieces of his best and only friend werent scattered around the clearing, but apparently he still wasn't dead, for when one of the Akatsuki members showed up his head, lying not a few feet away, began swearing and it got louder and louder until both men were screaming insults and curse words at one another, that is until the last member of their trio joined them, the masked ninja, who looked extremely pissed.

"I leave you alone for a minute Hidan, just one goddamned minute, and you already blow something to fuckin' pieces, I swear sometimes you're worse than that fricken blonde artist!" As the man finished this sentence stitches began to detach themselves from his body, wiggling their way towards the scattered limbs and body parts to begin their job of stitching up the second idiotic immortal. While Kakuzu mumbled quietly to himself about stupid, idiotic immortals doing stupid, idiotic things.

Hidan was quiet for a while until his eyes went wide with anger, "Kakuzu! What the fuck! I didn't do anything! And its Jashin!"

Kakuzu's blank look seemed confused for a moment, if that's possible, until he finally got what the jashinist had been referring to. "For fucks sake Hidan, just drop it!"

* * *

Sorry its so short but not many people liked the cliff hanger so I decided a little is better than none, I might not update in a while, my grandmother is sick, so we are goin to visit her (probably for the last time) anyway I wont have a pc with me so see you when I see you.


	8. Chapter 8

Okay so I have been working on this chapter for a while now, I really wanna just get to the part where naruto meets all the other Akatsuki members (squeels in joy) but I still have to finish up this bit, so here we go.

Also thank you to my lovely reviewers!!!!! I love you all!

Disclaimer: Don't own

* * *

Kakashi wasn't happy, anyone who just glanced at him could tell that, since his tell tale orange book was no where to be seen, meaning that Kakashi had either finished reading it (Not possible!) or he was concentrating (Le gasp!) And neither of these things were good.

Sasuke stood beside him, his usual blank look concealing his horror as his previously dismembered friend was stitched back together looking like some macabre puppet, which then stood slowly, testing out the weight of his newly reattatched limbs.

Grinning at his new found mobility Naruto moved to hug the stitched ninja, who only looked on disdainfully until Naruto was just inches away, and then hit him squarely on the temple, knocking the boy out.

Hidan glared, and when that didn't work he glared some more, but Kakuzu just ignored him, hoisting the jinchuriki up and over his shoulder so he could carry the boy like he carried his bounties.

They both turned to leave when an irate cough reminded them of the people they were about to leave behind.

Kakuzu looked at Hidan and gestured towards the Konoha shinobi, the religious zealot snorted and shook his head, "Fuck you Kakuzu, I'm sick of doing all this shit for you and what do I get in return? My fucking head cut off!"

Kakuzu tuned out the sounds of his partners rant and continued to think about what to do with the idiotic shinobi, with hero complexes, that were milling about behind him.

He honestly didn't feel up to killing them, even though it would solve the current problem, and no one, NO ONE, could say that a man has no right to take a break from being a money grabbing miser! 99 years is a long time to be working and sometimes you just gotta take a break.

"Hidan! We're going." And that was that, though Hidan did open his mouth and he did reply, Kakuzu just didn't hear.

They left the Konoha ninja standing there in shock, fearing for their, _lives_? No that wasn't it, they feared for their sanity, these men were nuts! They could keep Naruto, well, for a few days anyway.

* * *

Yes its very short I know, but I don't want to leave you with a cliffie. Also next chapter is a little bittie of a time skip.

And I've already started on the next chappie but, now this is a big BUT, I did it at school in my CAT(computer aplications technology) class, and saved it onto their server. Guess what! Their server isnt working and now its holidays so either I have to rewrite it or I have to wait like tow weeks to get it, I found what I did with that chappie so hilarious even I laughed (and im the one writing it!) Anyway tell me what I should do, write a another one or wait for the old one.

Thank you all my lovely reviewers I love you all!


	9. Chapter 9

Quick people update yourselves on the manga!!!! I know its been terrible with the Akatsuki members dying but what happens in the latest chapter makes it soooo worth it!!! Chapter 489, please go read it, if you love Akatsuki you wont regret it. Also sorry for spoiling that abit XD im just so happy!!!

Hey people I'm back, this is another chapter since I've gotten so many good reviews recently, okay just so you know I'm gonna be starting the yaoi in this chapter, as I said earlier, I'm gonna start small and work my way up.

If you don't like yaoi just skip over the parts, okay? I'm trying to compromise here so please just bear with me.

Disclaimer: don't own Naruto or anything in this story other than the plot.

_Zetsu's white side in italics_

**Zetsu's black side in bold**

XxXxX Time skip XxXxX

The air was hot and humid, the heat causing mirages to appear on the horizon.

A man clothed in a white cloak walked slowly across the desert sands, his sandaled feet sinking deep in the coarse white grains, leaving barely noticeable footprints drowning in the heat as evidence of his long journey.

The man lifted his head, his blond hair shining brightly in the light of the sun. Naruto groaned as he took a second step forward, his foot still sinking deep into the sand, "Curse this jashin forsaken country!" A quiet chuckle came from behind him, causing the blond jinchuriki to turn sharply, glaring at his two partners.

"Shut up, you old fucking miser!" The masked man he had been addressing just grunted in reply, though his body posture just screamed mirth. The second man, who wore naught but an Akatsuki cloak and a pair of pants, grinned and clapped the smaller on the back, causing Naruto to swear, when he pulled his hand away, a kunai clutched in his fingers.

"Fuck Hidan! Why the hell did you do that!" the white haired man smirked, "Oi, 'Kuzu, we need to stop, Its half an hour over the time we are supposed to do our fucking rituals!"

The five hearted miser groaned mentally, as he sat down on a nearby rock, pulling out a balance sheet and calculator and proceeding to calculate the Akatsuki's financial position.

Naruto dropped his two bladed scythe to the ground with a grunt and pulled a sharp pike from the folds of his cloak.

The second man, Hidan did the same, although with a lot more swearing. Both stabbed the pikes through their hands and allowed the blood to drip onto the floor, when the puddle was large enough, both stopped and began to draw a diagram of a triangle in a circle. When both where done they laid down and stabbed the pikes through their hearts, grunting in pain, but the pain soon turned to ecstasy as they experienced death without dying.

Kakuzu though was not as happy, he had already calculated the balance five times and they still weren't done! Deciding enough was enough, the five hearted man stood and hauled both religious fanatics from their annual ritual circle.

"Oi, Kakuzu! What the fuck you doin' interrupting us like this! We're not done yet!" Naruto too, added his voice to the argument, but the old miser was unrelenting.

He began stitching the two men's wounds despite their protests, his threads sewing up their pale flesh leaving naught but a row of black stitches in the scarred pale flesh.

Hidan, swore and stabbed his own pike through his partners chest, watching as it pierced through the back of the money lovers cloak drenched in blood.

Kakuzu looked rather disinterested as all three members of the unusual group stared at the weapon jutting from the stitched mans chest.

With a tight grimace Kakuzu gripped the crude pike and pulled it from his chest, hurling it with deadly accuracy at the white haired Jashanist, hitting the sand between his legs. "Hidan, your new total adds up to seven hearts, not including interest! I expect payment soon, or else you will find yourself short of a few vital appendages and organs."

* * *

The three were on the road as soon as the two had been fixed, well more like Kakuzu was on the road, walking as fast as possible, and his two cloaked companions sulked along behind him.

Naruto glanced at Hidan, the elder jashinist was being awfully quiet, and it was rather worrying. He had been glancing at Kakuzu every few minutes, then glancing away quickly with an uncharacteristic blush covering his cheeks. Naruto of course had his suspicions about what was happening but decided not to press the issue.

When he was ready he would tell, but until then the young blond boy would have to wait, impatiently.

The day wore on, the heat slowly soaking from the ground cooling almost unnoticeably from the furnace it had been earlier.

The reason they were in this Jashin forsaken desert was still unknown to the blond jashinist, though he assumed that they would be meeting up with another member for a debriefing and perhaps a change of mission.

* * *

Night had covered the sands of Suna, winding the temperature down to just below freezing, but his two traveling companions seemed immune to the weather leaving a disgruntled Naruto to travel along behind them dealing with all the shit Mother Nature decided to throw at them.

They had set up camp for the night, well that's not the right description, more like Kakuzu sat on a rock while Hidan lounged in a tree leaving Naruto to sit upon the rock strewn ground.

There was a quiet rustling, alerting the trio to a second presence in the vicinity and soon after a large plant looking man walked from the thorn thicket opposite where Naruto sat.

Kakuzu inclined his head in greeting to the strange plant like creature, "Zetsu", the black and white man nodded back in greeting. Everyone seemed to know everyone, except Naruto, who was left in the dark.

Deciding to take things into his own hands the color blind boy addressed Zetsu, "Hey spiky aloe dude, what the fuck you doin' here?" This obviously was not the brightest idea for the 'Spiky Aloe Dude' seemed to have taken offence.

"_Aloe_?!" shrieked the white side of the man, before the other side soothed it "**Just ignore it, we can eat it later**."

Meanwhile Hidan was killing himself laughing, no seriously, he was laughing so hard that he couldn't breathe, eventually he collapsed to the floor his face turning an odd blue color.

While Kakuzu just shook his head in disgust. How could anyone be so stupid and idiotic, it's a miracle that Hidan had survived so long, but his immortality probably had something to do with it.

Zetsu looked back and forth between the banker and his asphyxiated partner, his gaze one of question. Finally the white side spoke up, "_As much as I hate to ask. Why aren't you helping him?"_

Kakuzu glanced up at the bi-colored man and then glanced at the, now, still Hidan, and shrugged, "Why the hell should I? He got himself into that mess so he can just as well dig himself out."

With that the old miser leaned back and watched as the immortal before him suffocated himself into silence, ah Hidan's 'dying' gasps where like music to the ears, now if only the stubborn little fuck would die!!!

* * *

Okay, the ending is a bit stupid but hey no one's perfect.

Also maybe some of you would like to read my newest one shot,

The Pain of Betrayal,

Naruto regrets not bringing Sasuke back from the retrieval mission, but why isn't Kyuubi healing the hole Sasuke had made in his chest with the chidori.

Its quite angsty and also mentions of character death.

Thanks read and review, also thanks to my regular reviewers and my new ones to. Ja ne.


	10. Chapter 10

Hey, it's been a while hasn't it? Yeah well school is trying to kill me (No seriously, it's like got guns and shit!!!! Just kidding) *sigh* though school still sucks, that will never change.

Also excuse my spelling it may be a bit off (when isn't it? XD) but I am typing this on my phone at school, addicted much?

Disclaimer: I DO NOT own. T-T

* * *

Zetsu stared at the stitched man in front of him for a moment before he turned towards Naruto, once again, while still addressing Kakuzu _"This is the nine tails jinchuriki?_ **He looks rather scrawney if you ask me.**"

Naruto turned an embarrassing shade of red, as his anger and embarresment fought for dominence, though instead of either of those two winning, it was in fact Kyuubi who took over.

'Baka! Can't you smell it?!' Naruto shook his head in confusion, making the demon fox sigh, 'his skin stinks of blood and rotting flesh, he smells like a carnivore!'

Naruto was still majorly confused and expressed his confusion towards the caged fox, 'But what's wrong with that?'

Kyuubi felt like bashing his head against the bars of his prison in frustration, 'Kid does it look like this guy eats beef or pork?' Naruto shook his head, 'And does it looks like he eats plants?' Another shake of the head, 'So what's left?' Naruto grinned in a way that made the great demon fox Kyuubi nervous.

In his excitement he didn't even bothr to keep the answer to himself and instead just randomly blurted it out to everyone in the clearing, causing a shocked silence to ensue, "CAKE!!!!!"

Everyone sweat dropped, Hidan cleared his throat after he had completed his bout of 'dying' and said what was on everyone's minds, "What the fuck! He's just like Tobi!"

Back in Naruto's mind, Kyuubi began beating his head viciously against the thick iron bars of his make shift prison, cursing any and every deity he knew of, as well as using different languages to do so, finally he calmed down and began breathing deeply, using the calming technique taught to him by Kami, making sure he was calm before the idiocy that was sure to happen took place, he paused and then continued trying to explain. 'Kid he doesn't eat cake' Naruto froze in the middle of his dance of victory and looked into the distance dazedly, seriously scaring all those around him, while the only thing on his mind was 'How can someone not eat cake?'

This time the energetic blond opened his mouth and Kyuubi's voice echoed quietly around the clearing, "Cannibal" while his hand rose to point at Zetsu, making the plant hybrid feel distinctly uncomfortable.

Zetsu's shock though soon changed to annoyance as he took in the information and then replied, **"I am not a cannibal, **_it sounds so uncivilized, _**I am merely an anthropophagite* individual!"**

Both Hidan and Naruto sweat dropped, it seemed Kakuzu was the only one who truly understood a word the plant man was saying.

Poor Zetsu also seemed to realize this and turned away to sulk in the bushes, (AN, Poor Zetsu, come here and let me kiss it better for you 3) leaving Kakuzu to reprimand his growing gaggle of immortal idiots.

* * *

it's another word for cannibal

* * *

Yes it is very short, I'm very very very sorry!!!!!! I have exams soon so I need to start preparing and this may be the last time I see the internet, or daylight, for a long, long time.

Hope you like it, Love you all!!!! Thank you to all my readers and an extra big THANK YOU to my reviewers!!

Also I just got to say this, what does it say about your life if you call your boyfriend Hidan by mistake? Seriously, Lynton (my bf) was so pissed at being compared to (these are not my blasphemous words) "A fictional character from a retarded children's cartoon" and needless to say his cheek was very red for the next day or so, though I do feel rather bad, but don't dis Naruto, especially not Akatsuki, if you do heads will roll, and they won't be Hidan's heads either!

Ja ne


	11. Chapter 11

Okay so I'm back, and guess what, I've got so many ideas, damn this is turning into a crackfic (if it wasn't one already) this is what happens when you try to write serious, honestly I never meant for it to be funny, oh well XD. You guys wanna suggest pairings? Just tell me and ill see if they fit with the story (please as little heterosexual pairings as possible, im not so good with those (or yuuri)) anywhoo, Naruto is gonna stay single and Im thinking of pairing all the Akatsuki with their partners, ItaKisa, SasoDei, Kakuhida...

Also sorry its taken so long, I just got windows 7 on my pc but I forgot to back up my stuff, soooooo, its all gone, T.T (why's the rum gone?!) that includes the little bit of this chapter I had typed, and a BIG thank you to EVERYONE who is reading this story and has reviewed and alerted\favourited (Authoress can be seen hugging Lee and Gai, a big waterfall of tears running down her face as well as the sunset in the background)

Disclaimer: Do not own

_Zetsus white side_

**Zetsus black side**

* * *

Naruto vowed to himself that he would never sleep again, after all he had seen and heard today it was a miracle that he could still see.

All was dark, the fire from earlier had been extinguished because Zetsu, i.e. Spiky Aloe Dude as he is now known, refused to even approach the clearing until the spawn of Satan, i.e. the flames, were gone.

This left poor Naruto mentally scarred and alone in the dark. Hidan and Kakuzu had gone off to 'Sow wild oats' but where they would find a Jashin damned field to sow those damned oats of theirs Naruto had no clue.

Zetsu was only a little way off muttering to himself in the bushes, the blonde Jashinist totally ignored the violent sounding rustles as well as moans, preferring to focus on the more immediate problems.

Such as Kyuubi, the most feared demon in the Elemental Countries, was singing the teletubbies theme song, which was, at the moment, giving poor Naruto brain damage (umm, excuse me, MORE brain damage)

It had all started after the cake incident (Naruto: "I still don't understand how someone doesn't eat cake!") Kyuubi had found a couple of bottles, which had floated into his cage some time back, and decided now was the time to get drunk, and so the most feared demon in the land did just that!

But for the love of Jashin-sama, the idiotic furball couldn't sing to save his life, or anyone else's for that matter! And so in an attempt to ignore the torturous wailing originating from his head, Uzumaki Naruto decided to do the stupidest thing imaginable, he went to bug Zetsu.

A few minutes later, a scream so loud it woke the inhabitants of Suna, echoed through the clearing, startling Hidan and Kakuzu, both of whom had just finished watering their small little garden of nicely tended wild oats, causing the two immortals to run back to see what had happened to their friend, I mean tool, yes, they rushed back to see that no harm came to their very useful tool.

What they found though was something completely unexpected, Naruto lay huddled against a tree, his head clasped firmly in his hands and singing the teletubbies song under his breath.

Walking slowly so as not to startle the blond, Kakuzu knelt down and reached out a hand, like one would when calming a wild animal (after all he had to deal with Hidan didn't he) and let Naruto sniff it, which the blond did wearily, a snort issuing from widened nostrils, Kakuzu then reached behind him and pulled out a sugar cube.

Waiting patiently the miser waited for the immortal to come closer in order to grab the precious sugary treat, which Naruto did in a cautious manner, before he quickly grabbed the boy and attached a sturdy leather collar, which incidentally had lots of bite marks in it but that is off the topic, the animal thing once known as Naruto panicked, braying and bucking in distress but soon calmed as a feed bag filled with ramen was placed over its mouth.

While Kakuzu did all this, Hidan was forcing his poor overworked brain to try and puzzle out the reason that Kakuzu had all these things with him, it's not like they owned a horse or even knew what a horse was for that matter!

Once Naruto seemed calm, the horse equipment that wasn't actually horse equipment was removed, leaving Naruto to mumble dejectedly about tap dancing ramen bowls.

Finally Hidan, who as we all know has little to no patience, screamed at the blonde to, "Spill the fucking beans!" which Naruto did, in a somewhat dazed manner.

"Hidan-senpai, why was the Spiky Aloe Dude playing horsie with the plant?" Naruto seemed so innocent when he asked this that it confused Hidan.

"Playing horsie? What the fuck is that supposed to mean?! I swear if you don... Wait did you just say 'playing horsie'?" Naruto mumbled something that could've been a yes and Hidan got really pale.

"Holy fucking ****!" (authoress apologises for the **** but she felt it would add suspense XD) Kakuzu meanwhile had turned to face Zetsu, who had appeared in the hopes of finding food, and said in a stern and commanding voice, "Zetsu, what did leader-sama say about riding horsies!?"

Zetsu, who looked just a little bit sheepish, replied "_Always use a condom? _**Never procreate?"**

Kakuzu turned rather red under his mask, "NO, after that!"

Both sides of Zetsu ohhhhed in understanding, "_**Always make sure the magnolias are in bloom before fertilising**_!"

Poor Kakuzu just gave up, and turned to Naruto, cursing Konoha for not giving classes on 'the birds and the bees'.

* * *

Okay thats it for now, im dead tired X.X, please read and review, it gives me super powers when you do! See I can fly and I can sing, okay maybe not sing, but I can type extra super duper fast!!!!!

Special thanks to........ Akatsuki-tenshi-kitsune, Shi-Toyu, for giving constant support in the form of many reviews.

My class never got the hole sowing wild oats thing, our teacher in English was explain a poem and some guy was cheating on his wife so she said he was out sowing wild oats, and I just burst out laughing, I hope you guys understand my sense of humour.

Next up, Hidan and Kakuzu give Naruto the 'talk'


	12. Chapter 12

Okay, this chappie may seem rushed (Jashin forbid) but I really want to publish it on my birthday!!!! So everyone can give me reviews as pressies, pleeeeease. So remember, 24 April 1993, is the authoresses birthday!!!!!

Thank you for reviewing and favouriting\alerting.

Disclaimer: I don't own

* * *

It was morning in Suna, the sun rising over sparkling sands, the temperature still cool and bearable.

Zetsu had departed soon after the 'incident' seeing as though Naruto began screaming every time the plant-man approached, which annoyed Kakuzu no end.

The miser had done everything humanely and ninjerly possible to shut the stupid brat up, but he seemed to have inherited Hidan's need to curse\scream even after his head had been cut off, his body dismembered and his mouth sewn shut.

So Kakuzu walked with his head in his hands, trying vainly to block out the terrible sounds coming from the two immortals behind him.

Oh money! Kakuzu couldn't stand it anymore! It was bearable when they cussed, it was bearable when they stabbed themselves, but this! This he just couldn't stand, and if Kakuzu had been anyone other than who he was, he would have killed himself looooong ago.

The two Jashinists were, for lack of better word, gossiping, their voices hushed yet at the same time, quite loud.

Naruto's high pitched voice, the results of puberty, was grating on everyone's nerves, but Hidan tried to ignore it as best he could while trying to stab his younger 'brother' in the back whilst the conversation revolved around the atrocities one of the Priests of Jashin had committed before he had been smitten (In other words, the man had been found the next day with a frilly pink tutu and braids in his flowing pink hair, his eyes had been gouged out by, what appeared to be, his own hands. Whilst at the same time muttering about pink ponies raping him, and then taking over the world.)

The conversation eventually ground to a halt, both of them needing to do their rituals, Hidan's involving a lot more stabbing though, as a form of repentance for 'sowing wild oats'

Kakuzu wandered a bit further away, nursing his oncoming headache, and grudgingly praised Konoha's torture techniques, for never before has anyone ever been able to get the five hearted man anywhere close to spilling all his deepest secrets, such as the location of his piggy banks.

But just spending a few weeks with one of their torture weapons made Kakuzu want to rip his hair out and cry.

* * *

Back in the clearing, Hidan was silent, he felt something, though it wasn't clear what it was, it was definitely evil, and it was approaching fast.

Subtly grabbing a hold of his favourite pike and yanking it from his chest, though the resulting blood spurt wasn't subtle at all, Hidan prepared himself for an attack.

Though this proved unnecessary for it was only Naruto who approached, though the feeling of foreboding remained.

"Hidan-senpai? Umm, well you see I wanna ask you something, well umm, my old teammate once mentioned something called sex and I, I just wanted to know what that was, I asked my sensei once but he told me I was too young to understand"

Hidan froze, those words, those are the words that everyone fears, those words can reduce a grown man to tears and make a woman scream as if dying, the simple, 'Where do babies come from' question.

"Ahh shit kid, why didn't you ask old fuckface while he was here?!" Naruto shook his head, "Uh uh, dun wanna"

Hidan sighed at the younger immortals childish behaviour, though it is to be expected though, I mean the little fucker was only 12.

"Okay kid, here's the deal, I will tell you about the birds fucking the bees and _you _will sacrifice your dick to Jashin!"

Naruto frowned, not understanding the deal, but of course he wouldn't admit that, so he grinned and nodded, surprising Hidan, I mean what idiot, I repeat what _idiot_, in his right or even wrong mind, ever, ever sacrifices anything that important. Sure Jashin-sama was an all important God and Hidan respected that, but come on you don't just sell your family jewels without a fight, or preferably at all.

"Okay fucker, when a man is fucking horny-" Naruto interrupted with a question, "Sensei, what is horny?" The white haired immortal almost tried to commit suicide right there, but he persevered, "Well, fuckface, it's what dogs get when they're hot." The blond oooooohd in false understanding and Hidan continued.

"Anyway, as I was saying, when a man is fucking horny, he plays... horsie with a... With a... Ah what the hell! When a daddy horse and a mommy horse love each other very much, the daddy horse fucks the mommy horse up the ass. The end"

Naruto didn't look very enlightened, "Sensei, what's a horse?" Hidan looked confused and then a little bit agitated, "Heck if I know, I think it's a type of rat, you know like a brown rat, a black rat, a horse rat, that type of fucking thing. Just go ask the old fucker, he's over in the bush somewhere!"

That said, Hidan left the small clearing, trying to figure out what the fuck a horse was while the authoress cackles insanely in the background.

* * *

"Kakuzu-sensei?" The stitched ninja looked up, groaning in mental pain at the sight of the bane of his existence, maybe he should convert to Jashinism? Maybe then he would be allowed peace from the antichrist known as Naruto.

"What the fuck you want pipsqueak?" The blond seemed to be gathering his courage for something, "Uh, Hidan-senpai said I must ask you about the 'Birds fucking the bees'.

On the outside, Kakuzu seemed no different, his face was as emotionless as ever under the mask, but inside his brain was melting, '..........................................................................'

After his quick mental breakdown, the old miser was back in action. "When a man and a woman, or a man and a man, or even a woman and a woman, love each other very much, or they just feel like it, they have what is most commonly referred to as coitus, meaning, the act of sexual procreation between a man and a woman; the man's penis is inserted into the woman's vagina and excited until orgasm and ejaculation occur.

Naruto's brain could be seen flashing red, warning signs blinking as the organ overheated. "What is a penis?"

Kakuzu, roused into a state of Orochimaru like glee, grinned insanely under his mask (Authoress asks that you excuse Kakuzu's coming behaviour, as he is under the influence of Orochimaru like insanity) and reached towards the poor boy cowering in front of him, a large stitched hand groping at the boys crotch, but instead of the usual slight bulge felt when enacting paedophilic urges. There was nothing.

Confused the miser backed up a bit and cocked his head, hissing in displeasure, he was about to try again when the blond child in front of him screamed.

Hidan came bursting into their sub-clearing, scythe at the ready, but what he saw made him wanna throw up, "You ball sucking, heathen fucking, ass licking shit faced old fuck! I cant believe you fucking cheated on me! With my little brother! Have you no fucking shame?!" Hidan had caught Kakuzu trying to get a second grope on the oddly un-bulged pants in front of him.

The miser hissed at the priest, making magenta eyes narrow in excruciating thought, "Orochimaru?" Those same magenta eyes widened in understanding, his partner had Orochimaru disease, a severe illness causing extreme paedophilia, a lengthening as well as strengthening of the tongue, snake like tendencies and terrible oocness.

Unfortunately there was only one cure, a bible, and therein lay the problem, neither Hidan nor Naruto could touch the heathen book, seeing as though both of them were Jashinists, the only member available at the moment was Zetsu, but one can't just summon Zetsu, well you can if you want to lose an arm.

And unfortunately Zetsu was the only way to save his beloved Kuzu. Gathering his infinite courage, Hidan called out, "Oi, Fuck face! Get your plant ass down here right this fucking instant, or I'll spray the garden with weed killer!"

A few seconds later, an angry looking Zetsu phased through a tree, a viscous scowl taking up half his face, while the white side looked rather fearful.

* * *

Okay im ending it there. I was mean to post this yesterday, buuuuuuut, I was dragged out by everyone (on my birthday) to do a whole bunch of things I didn't want to do (pouts) Anywhooo, its up now at least, I know this section was rather graphic, *wink* but I felt like doing it.

Anyway Kakuzu's explanation comes from the Wordweb dictionary, not me and I still don't own Naruto (But Im secretly plotting to take over the world, and when I do, I will own it!!!!!! In my dreams)


	13. Chapter 13

People!!! You are supposed to feed my muse!!! I only got one review(Ill explain my decision on that in a moment) But anyway, was the chapter that terrible? Did I fuck it up on some giant scale? Please people review, it makes me want to write, I mean at the moment I still don't feel much like writing so its gonna be short but whose fault is that?! Not mine I assure you!

Now to my reviewer, the yaoi is so small you have to squint in order to see it, I mean the whole 'sowing wild oats thing' was yaoi and no one noticed, im gonna keep it small, theres not gonna be sex and make out sessions every second, if people want that they can read my other story Impure priest it has lots of yaoi with Kakuzu and Hidan.

Disclaimer: don't own

A scream rang out through the border forests of Ame, our trio having left Suna a few days back, and within this forest lay unspeakable horrors, purple things which should never be mentioned lest they shower you with love and joy.

Kakuzu, who had yet to recover from his dose of Bible, was tied up in strong ropes and was currently being dragged by Naruto.

Now to the point, the scream had come from our colour blind little friend, who had just been reminded of his promise to sacrifice his dick to Jashin, because now Naruto actually knew what a dick was, and he loved Mr Froggy like his own son, he would never sacrifice him! Well that is until he found himself bent over a random tree stump and his pants pulled down.

Screaming, crying, begging, pleading, yep he did it all, but Hidan showed no mercy, his grin was snarky and cold as he brought a miniature scythe, which he had bought at last year's Jashinists convention for just this moment, down upon poor Mr Froggy.

Another bloodcurdling scream and then, silence, save for Kakuzu's randomly muttered bible verses and a few shocked sobs from the Froggy-less Naruto.

Somewhere up in Jashin land or wherever it is Jashin lives, Lord Jashin was counting up his ritual sacrifices, muttering them aloud as he wrote them into his tally book. "One human arm, check, two blue eyes, double check, one Mr Froggy... And then Lord Jashin, most feared and destructive God in the whole Naruto Universe, screamed like a little girl.

Yeah it short, what ya gonna do bout it huh?! Ya gonna review, huh?! Yeah well you betta, or else.

Also, Lord Jashin please smite me down for the great injustice I have just paid you today, let me burn in a cauldron of firey oil and wear a pink tutu!

Uhm please R&R (READ AND REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)


	14. Chapter 14

Okay, it has been a loong time, and honestly, I don't have much in the way of excuses. Well first off the fan that cools my computers cpu packed up so yeah that had to be replaced( and no I don't have a laptop) second, im busy writing exams (yay only one more to go, art theory ) and third no reviews (Well there was one, to you thank you very much you are very appreciated! I also laughed quite a bit when I wrote that part ;) also I have only just come back from a holiday to the middle of nowhere! As in not even a cellphone signal! I never thought I would survive any way enjoy)! Seriously I don't think I can stress this point enough! I mean my muse is off on some deserted beach that no one has heard of and only reviews can bring him back!

Also, has anyone noticed how weird spell checks are? I mean I have to constantly go back and check my stuff cuz it changes the characters names to all sorts of weird things, for example, Sasuke = soccer, my word! Sai = sails, Hidan = hidden... Author: 1, technology: 0!

It had been a week since the Mr Froggy incident, Kakuzu was fully recovered and Naruto, well, he would have a permanent scar, but he would be okay, sort of. The trio was heading to the base outside Ame, ready to report back and hopefully get some time off.

They were only a few miles from the base when Kakuzu pulled up short, turning slowly, he eyed Naruto in a way that just screamed danger, causing the blond Jashinist to gulp and start looking for escape routes.

Kakuzu looked to his partner, who, amazingly enough, was reading a book, though on closer inspection it was his Jashinist bible and it was upside down, which sort of ruined the effect.

The stitched ninja, pointed down into the village and then at Naruto, but Hidan didn't seem to get it, he just tilted his head like a curios, but deadly, puppy. "Fuck do you want from me Kakuzu! Seriously man speak up, I'm not fucking deaf!" Kakuzu sighed, could his partner get any dumber? Wait, don't answer that question.

Naruto seemed to get it though, as he limped\bounded towards the far off village gates, dragging Hidan along by the rope of his scythe. Though Hidan didn't seem to want to go, luckily his screams and curses faded as they got further away.

Kakuzu smiled grimly to himself, now he could count his precious money-chan in private! Unfortunately that plan soon hit a tree, crashed and then burst into flames, seeing as Naruto, with Hidan still in tow, soon came running back up the hill. The little blonde nuisance grabbed Kakuzu's briefcase from his unsuspecting hands and ran off, Hidan was no longer complaining, seeing as they had just done something no one in the history of, well, ever had been able to do, steel Kakuzu's precious money-chan.

When the two were just distant dots at the gates of Ame, Kakuzu looked down and then looked back at the distant figures, then he looked down once again and screamed in anguish, "Money-chan!" With that last realisation, the stitched man took off in a lumbering gait (surprisingly fast) after the two soon to be dead, immortals.

Meanwhile, up above in the heavens, in a land covered in the bodies of those dead, sat the most vicious deity to ever live, Jashin; creator of chaos, breeder of destruction, ruler of doom! And Lord Jashin, with all the titles, was pissed, no not the 'I'm gonna beat your head in and stab you to death' type of pissed but a type of pissed that was infinitely more dangerous, the 'I'm a god and I will smite you, then chop your nuts off and put them on a pike' type of pissed.

His latest follower was not doing as well as he thought he would, and on that note, Lord Jashin, with all the titles, decided to have a little 'chat' with his favourite follower.

Okay, another chappy down, you know my faithfull readers, I've read a few fictions where the author held the chapters hostage for reviews, I really don't want to be like that, but if I don't get enough reviews, well I don't feel like writing. Please I don't care what you say, even if you say it's boring and you hate it, I don't care! I'm desperate, I need my fix! Please I'm begging you, please please please please please please...

On another note, if you like funny Akatsuki stories you should read some by Dead Drifter, one of my favourite authors! I love the ten days of Akatsuki Christmas and all the others (Authoress hides a print out of Dirty Old Man and wipes the drool from her chin)!

Anyway R&R


	15. Chapter 15

Wow, its been a looooong time hasn't it? Well first of all I would love to thank my reviewers! Especially Phantom Figure! Who happened to review on every single chapter! OMG It made my day! Yeah also a big sowwwie for the lateness of this update, allot of you asked me to update and I feel like I let you down somehow. T-T

The town of Amegakure was seemingly peaceful, the rain had stopped, if only for a few minutes, the rabid dogs were out terrorizing some random shinobi that nobody cares about (Random Shinobi That Nobody Cares About: Nooo! Help me!) And there was a lovely scenic dust cloud approaching the gates.

In the lovely scenic dust cloud:

!

Okay lets rewind so you can all understand, you remember that in the last episode Naruto and Hidan stole poor Kuzu's money? Well this is the chase scene, every good action movie has a good chase scene, or am I on the wrong set?

Anywho, Naruto and Hidan were running for their immortal souls, may Jashin help them.

Hidan glared at Naruto, who was running beside him, "I fucking blame you for this!" The blonde jashinist raised an eyebrow, "Well why did you go along with it then, huh?"

An almighty roar from behind warned them now was NOT the time for idle chit chat or enjoyable garden tea parties, but instead a time for running, especially if you want to live for the rest of eternity.

They were running as fast as they possibly could but Kakuzu was faster, it's like mamma bears, they go from being cute and cuddly to vicious and blood thirsty when you touch their cubs, well okay maybe that wasn't the best comparison to use for Kakuzu, but it could work.

Hidan was of course no longer laughing his immortal ass off, instead he was busy slipping thin sheets of metal into his pants to, hopefully, protect his family jewels from the onslaught Kakuzu would surely make on them when he caught up.

The gates were just a few paces away when Hidan disappeared with a scream into the soggy ground beneath them, causing Naruto to turn and almost stumble as a stitched hand tried to make a grab at his ankle. Having little choice, the blonde jashinist left his religious superior to his Kakuzu influenced doom and made a desperate dash for the village gates.

The blonde teen stopped as soon as he had gotten past the gates, but this author is still puzzled as to why Naruto-kun thinks he is safe from the almighty Kakuzu mamma bear, ahem, Kakuzu, just by running into a village with really flimsy walls, no seriously, I don't get how those walls around the villages can keep NINJAS _out_!

Naruto paused in his secret ramen dance and turned around, almost screaming when he saw Kakuzu in all his stitched glory standing right behind him, an insane grin on his face (just ignore the fact that he is wearing a mask) Behind the almighty masked Kakuzu stood Hidan, well… Stood Hidan's body, for his head seemed to be clenched in the stitched nin's fist.

Naruto, who happened to be holding the object of the vicious miser's attention, aka the briefcase 'o money, gulped in horror at what was about to happen to him. He then closed his eyes and prayed to the almighty Jashin-sama, but it seemed he was busy for the prayers went straight to voicemail, leaving poor Naruto-kun to fend for himself.

Suddenly a blinding flash of light appeared, there floating above Naruto's head was the Random Shinobi That Nobody Cares About and clenched in his uncared about fist was a large, brightly burning light bulb. The blonde Jashinist's face lit up with the glow of the bulb as well as an ultra super secret plan.

Naruto held up his hand, signaling for the enraged mamma bear to stop, which it did. He then held up the briefcase and waved it slowly from side to side, "Here doggie, doggie, doggie." Which caused Kakuzu's attention to instantly zoom in on the briefcase 'o money (As well as the attention of a few rabid dogs) Naruto then cocked back his arm and threw the case as hard as he could and it flew off into the distance, leaving nothing but a star to show its location.

Kakuzu and a dozen or so rabid dogs took off in hot pursuit, and out of nowhere a presenters voice blares over invisible speakers, "And its Stitched Nin 101 in the lead, closely followed by Rabid Rabies! Oh but who's that coming up their tails? It's… It's… A cannibal… plant… thing… The voice quickly faded into the distance as it followed the race through, now, non-existent cities and villages.

Whooo, im done! Sorry for the loooong wait, I just haven't really felt like typing much lately. T-T anyway enjoy and review.


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